The Secret Diary of Joe the Plumber

Back in the Saddle Again!

2010-05-05T14:17:00.000-07:00

Hey folks,

After an exhausting book tour and tea parties, I had to take a break.
But now I'm back, and I'm part of the problem. I've joined the GOP!
Read more about it here.

Speaking of which, did you see what my girl Sarah tweeted about?
There's a write up here.
This is what she said:

Gulf: learn from Alaska's lesson w/foreign oil co's: don't naively trust- VERIFY. Livelihood affected by spill?Don't sign away remedy rights

There are couple of problems with this:
1) BP hired a lot of American's to build this platform. And run it. And I actually think Halliburton built it.
2) The correct quote from his greatness, Ronald Reagan, is "Trust, but verify". If a plumber can remember this, so can a beauty pagent queen.
3) Todd Palin use to work for BP.

I'm going to have to talk to her. She's becoming a major asshat.

Later,
Fake Joe

How long can 15 minutes last?

2009-05-16T09:48:00.001-07:00

These liberal asshats tricked me.
They said they wanted to ask me a about gay marriage (ick).
But then they asked me about my book, and how many copies I sold, etc.

Then they put my quotes out of context:

You gotta at least respect that I’m not sitting there trying to make a buck off my 15 minutes. Do I want to make some money? Absolutely but I’m going to do it the right way.

Not seeming to recognize the irony, immediately after making this statement, he then signed a copy of his book. While acknowledging that he hasn’t made as much money as he thought from the book, he said he thinks he has about a year left in the spotlight, adding, “I can also definitely see it from the other side where people are just like ‘Man just freakin go away!’”

I fooled them though. Speaking out about gay marriage gives me at least another 5 minutes. And I'm hoping to meet Miss California. She's hot.

Qutting the GOP

2009-05-07T10:55:00.000-07:00

I tried to keep this on the down low, but those liberal media asshats at TIme magazine broke the story.

To wit:

Samuel Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, tells TIME he's so outraged by GOP overspending, he's quitting the party — and he's the bull's-eye of its target audience. But he also said he wouldn't support any cuts in defense, Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid — which, along with debt payments, would put more than two-thirds of the budget off limits.

Who's up for joining the Plumber's Party

I was on TV!

2009-04-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

I forgot I was on HBO with Bill Maher. See here.

I'm not a big fan of Bill, and I know he doesn't like me. But, to be fair, he was nice enough to me. As I walked off stage, I knew he could have torn me a new one. But he took it easy on me, and I appreciate that.

Turbo Tax Tim and Me

2009-04-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

so some asshat is making fun of the fact that i think the tax code is too complicated.

what's wrong with this picture?
as i point out, turbo tax timmy, our treasury secretary, couldn't figure out that he owed taxes. he tried to blame it on turbo tax. if you look at that link, you'll see that turbo tax is made by a company called intuit. intuit has over 8000 employees. i figure on top of the computer people, they've got some accountants to tell them how things work. let's say 10% - so 800 accountants couldn't figure out the tax code. how the hell are you and i?

btw, i use another intuit product, quick books, for my plumbing business. it's because of quick books, that i thought i'd owe more taxes when i bought the business. which led me to asking obama that question. which led to me becoming famous. so if you don't like me, you can blame intuit.

let's make the tax code easier. flat tax all around. no exemptions.
and let's keep jobs in America by raising import taxes. it'll encourage companies to make stuff in the USA, instead of china or mexico, which in turn, will create more jobs.

This time I'm really back!

2009-04-17T14:26:00.000-07:00

I was on the road so much, that I forgot my password.
Fortunately, I called Sarah and she reminded me what it was.

Anyway, I just came from this tea party and I was a little disappointed.
First, we didn't dump any tea or anything.
And as far I as I could tell, nobody wants to pay taxes, which is cool,but then they want the government to keep their jobs from going to China or Mexico, or where ever.

Hello? It's called FREE enterprise. It's not about Captain Kirk. If a company wants to move jobs to China to make more money, they should. You don't like it, get a new job like being a plumber, or work at Dominos farting on food.

On the plus side, sold some copies of my book.

Here's how the liberal media covered it:
http://www.detnews.com/article/20090415/METRO/904150406/Anger+over+taxes+brews+at++Tea+Party+

I'm back!

2009-02-03T08:38:00.001-08:00

Sorry, it's been busy.
I was thinking of running for congress, and I had to go to Gaza.
And damn, if I didn't have a lot of pipes to fix.

Hanging out with Cindy a bit.

Vote

2008-11-04T19:06:00.000-08:00

Been out on the road stumping for John.
And I got a record deal.

Things not looking good. I may have to run in 2010.

Holy Crap! I'm Running For Congress

2008-10-24T13:30:00.000-07:00

According to this

Almost missed this, I'm still sorting through all the stories from a week ago.
So, I've got a website up: http://www.joewurzelbacher2010.com/

Sign up and get me elected.
No taxes for plumbers!

Crooked Plumber

2008-10-22T14:42:00.000-07:00

Plumbers like this. give the rest of a bad name.

To install the sink we'd purchased, run new water lines to the ice maker and replace the faucet, drain pipes and minor accessories -- about five hours work -- the company billed us $2,200. On the itemized bill, they listed the sink basket strainer -- the little food trap that drops into the drain opening that you see in image at right being sold for $1.99 at Hardware.com -- at $159.00.

The "top of the line faucet" the plumber sold me for $553 I later found listed at $160. To re-install a disposer he charged $324, a service that I later priced at $100 from a major local appliance store.

But this is just a symptom of a bigger problem in our country. It was thinking like this that got in this crazy financial mess we're in.

Fair wage for honest work. Anyone's going to charge a little bit of a markup. Otherwise you'd do it yourself. But $159 for a $2 strainer? No way. Maybe $5. Tops.

Call or Email Michelle

2008-10-22T14:19:00.000-07:00

This woman rightly points out how the liberal media is trying to destroy me without getting to know me.

I wanted to leave a comment with my email, so we could start talking (she sounds hot), but I couldn't.

Michelle Malkin, if you're reading this comment or email me. Can you come to Ohio?

Sarah Hasn't Called Either

2008-10-21T13:07:00.000-07:00

At least I know why.

So after I hit the news, I called Sarah. I really didn't want to meet John that much, but I really wanted to meet Sarah (she's hot). So I left her message. Something like this:

Hi Sarah, this is Joe the Plumber. I can't believe that John mentioned my name, like, a hundred times last night during the debate. Anyway, there are all these reporters on my front yard, and I was wondering what I should tell them. Give me a call.

She never called back, so I went out to my front yard and did the best I could.

Then I was getting called by a bunch of other people, including Katie Couric, so I called Sarah again.

Hey Sarah, Joe the Plumber again. I got this chance to talk to Katie Couric, and I was wondering if you could give me any pointers. Like when she asks what papers I read, what should I say? Anyway, thanks.

Still no call back.

Then Mike Huckabee offers to fly me to New York to be on his show. Guess who's going to be in New York at same time? Sarah! I'm thinking this is her plan all along. Just wait until we can be in the same city at the same time to hook up. Clearly, she doesn't want to come to Ohio, that'd look too suspicious.

Sarah, Joe the Plumber. Just found out we're going to be in New York City at the same time. Maybe we can hook up. I've been wondering if you're hotter in person than you are on TV. Call me.

She didn't call, and I bet she gave that line to the SNL writers.

Bitch.

The Self-Employment Penalty

2008-10-21T12:19:00.000-07:00

See here.
(BTW, what's up with the no comments? I expect that from Slate, not the National Review).

A few years ago, there was a lot of talk about the "Marriage Penalty." Now, based on this it looks like we have a "Self-Employment Penalty." I thought that working for yourself is one part of the American Dream: owning your own business. Looks like nobody wants that.

I think I'm going milk my 15 minutes as much as I can, and maybe I'll make a little money to buy that plumbing business. Even if it means I have to pay higher taxes. There's nothing like owning your own business, and complaining to everyone that your boss is an asshole.

I'm Here Until November 4th

2008-10-21T12:15:00.000-07:00

This asshat (who works for Mayor Michael Bloomberg, the man who wants to subversively repeal term limits) thinks I'm only going to last a few hours.

"Joe the plumber will have the same trajectory as Sarah Palin, but it will be tracked in hours rather than weeks," said Thomas Mann, a scholar at Washington's Brookings Institution.

I don't know the Brookings Institution from turd in the road. But I'm here until election day, maybe longer.

John Still Hasn't Called

2008-10-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

He promised to help me buy that plumbing business.
And he said I was getting a contract for plumbing work in his houses.
Still haven't heard from him.

Bastard.

Deep Thoughts

2008-10-21T10:58:00.000-07:00

From LA Times

Iraq
"I'm not sorry that we're in Iraq. . . . We liberated another country. I mean, freedom. Things that every one of you guys take for granted, everything that Americans take for granted, I mean these guys haven't had it. Now they've got it. I mean, that's n incredible thing. That's almost -- I don't know if you guys are Christians or not, but that's like somebody coming to Jesus and becoming saved. These guys have freedom."

Social Security
"Social Security is a joke. I have parents; I don't need another set of parents called the government. You know, let me take my money and invest it how I please. Social Security I've never believed in, don't like it. I hate that it's forced on me."

Politicians
"The politicians are the nobles. We are the serfs. OK? . . . I mean, we are the peasants as far as they're concerned. You know, they take, and they give us back a little bit."

America's stature
"I'm tired of people downing America, saying that we're this bad country. . . . We are the greatest country in the world. Stop apologizing for us. I mean, really, I get real mad about that."

My fame
"I'm a flash in the pan. You know, I'm just a novelty. You know, Joe the Plumber. It's going to be fun for a couple days, and then it's going to go away."

Am I right, or am I right

Free Asshat Advice

2008-10-20T11:03:00.000-07:00

From the New York Times.

On the surface, they're trying to be helpful. But when I read it, I got the feeling they're talking down to me. Condescending even.

Joe probably overstated how much his company makes, though. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the mean wage for a plumber is $47,930 per year. A plumber in the 90th percentile earns $73,500. (Joe’s company is apparently a two-person company; if we assume the employees each take half of the company’s profits basically in lieu of a salary, which is not necessarily the case, then the $250,000 to $280,000 profit figure means that the company is exceptionally successful.)

If Joe’s business is less successful than he claims (which it probably is), then it likely won’t see a tax increase under Senator Obama’s plan — and in that respect, is a more relevant model for most Americans who own small businesses.

See what I mean?

If a plumber came to Catherine Rampell's apartment, and talked down to her while fixing her plumbing, you can be that she'd be bitching left and right about how condescending the plumber was. And what an asshole he was. And she'd probably make fun of the plumber's pants being so low.

(BTW, I wonder what she looks like. If anyone has a pic, email it to me.)

But when a liberal elite reporter talks down to a simple plumber, everyone cheers and likes to point out how it's impossible for a plumber to make $250K a year. I guess all those reporters are upset they spent so much money on their liberal arts educations, ony to make less than the "dumb kid" from high school.

Why Blame Me and John?

2008-10-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

So everyone, including this asshat likes to blame John McCain and me, Joe the Plumber, for distract us from the issues and focusing only on character attacks.

First, I'm not looking for all this attention. Some socialist asshats might think that I'm working for John McCain. I'm not. In case you haven't heard, my real choice was Mike Huckabee. Oh well.

Second, it's the liberal media and bloggers that seem obsessed with me. Who cares how much I make? There are more important things to worry about. Like health care, child care, Iraq and, oh yeah, there's this trillion dollar financial meltdown happening. How come now one is outrage at the million dollar salaries those asshat on Wall St paid themselves while they tanked the economy?

Went to NYC this weekend

2008-10-20T08:52:00.000-07:00

There's a nice little write up here

They're naming a sandwich after me at the Carnegie Deli. I can't remember what they're putting in it, but it doesn't have any mustard.

I have a ton of emails and links about me to catch up on.

Did any of you catch my girl Sarah on SNL? Check it out here.

Bill Gates Emailed Me!

2008-10-19T12:43:00.000-07:00

So Bill Gates sent me this email. He said to me

Dude, I read you said this:
"I don't like it. You know, me or -- you know, Bill Gates, I don't care who you are. If you worked for it, if it was your idea, and you implemented it, it's not right for someone to decide you made too much."
Thanks for name drop, and that I shouldn't have to pay more taxes. But you know, I don't. Percentage wise I probably pay less than you do.

Bill told me about his golf buddy, Warren, who pays less in taxes than his assistant. He sent me a this . It was kind of hard to read because it was all about Hillary, but I got to this part:

Speaking to several hundred supporters of the U.S. Senator from New York, Buffett revealed his puzzlement that he was taxed at a lower rate than many of the lesser-paid individuals working for his company.
Buffett said he makes $46 million a year in income and is only taxed at a 17.7 percent rate on his federal income taxes. By contrast, those who work for him, and make considerably less, pay on average about 32.9 percent in taxes - with the highest rate being 39.7 percent.
To emphasize his point, Buffett offered $1 million to the audience member who could show that one of the nation's wealthiest individuals pays a higher tax rate than one of their subordinates.
"I'm willing to bet anyone in this room $1 million that those rates are less than the secretary has to pay," said Buffett.

I don't know about the math, because I'm a plumber, but I think Warren's making sense.

Crisis? What Crisis?

2008-10-19T12:32:00.000-07:00

As this guy points out, why is everyone paying attention to me?

Thanks to the MSM's raging "real person" fetish, Wurzelbacher's 15 minutes of fame have extended well into today. Intrepid journalistic investigators have discovered, for example, that Wurzelbacher, 34, voted in the Republican primary, doesn't have a plumbing license, still owes $1,200 in unpaid income taxes and is actually named Samuel. Financial crisis! What financial crisis?

Exactly. I think there are bigger things to worry about than an (unlicenced) plumber who may or may not be making $250K a year.

Liberals Hate Free Speech

2008-10-19T12:28:00.000-07:00

This asshat has decided to poke fun of me, but is too afraid to allow people to comment on his page.

Typical.

Give Me Some Time

2008-10-19T11:50:00.000-07:00

So everyone is getting on my case for owing about $1200 bucks in back taxes. But even the local accessors office admits they never told me I owed anything. Even so, most of these back taxes are only from a few years ago. I'll get around to paying it as soon as I can.

Now, what if city had left a notice on my truck window, saying that I owed $10 or $15? What if the city left about 17 notices over a few years? You'd probably expect that I'd have to go pay those as soon reasonable possible. Right?

Well, you would, unless your Obama.

According to this, Obama got a bunch of parking tickets while getting his liberal elistist law degree, between 1988 and 1991, and didn't pay them promptly. Actually, he didn't pay them until January of 2007 (maybe in late 2006). Probably was never going to pay them, except he decided to run for president. Back in 1991 or 1992, when he was graduating, he was thinking, "Screw these tickets, if they really want the money, they can come get in me in Chicago. Besides, I'm a lawyer, I'll know how to get out of paying them."

Now some of you think that a parking ticket is different than paying taxes. Technically, it probably is. But a parking ticket is penalty imposed by the (municipal) government when you don't pay the tax (parking meters), or avoid filing (parking in no parking zones).

I guess my point is, if Obama had 15 years to pay his parking fines, I think I should a few years before I have to pay my back taxes.

Unlicensed Economist

2008-10-17T05:04:00.000-07:00

According to this New York asshat, my question to Obama "may also be flawed, according to tax analysts."

So let me get this right. Not only is the socialist press getting on my case for wanting to make $250K a year, being an unlicensed plumber and owing some back taxes. Now they want to point out how stupid I am because I didn't understand Obama's tax plan.

So who's fault is it that I don't understand the tax plan? I tried reading the thing. Have you looked at it? It's crazy.

After a long day plumbing, I got come home, fix dinner for me and my son, then I help with his homework. Apparently, according to New York Socialist Times, I'm suppose then spend the time to become a CPA and tax expert, so I that I can understand the tax plan.

Maybe, like most Americans, I depend on the media to accurately report an interpretation of Obama's tax plan. Maybe I got my information from a report like Larry Rohter and Liz Robbins (by the way, Liz call me if you're coming to Toledo).

Nice job asshats. Rather than point out any flaws in your reporting, you spend a lot time on how I don't have license or how the county spelled my name wrong.

UPDATE: Turns out Larry's an Obama fan. This post from TimesWatch says Larry has a hard time saying bad things about Obama. And this post says Larry likes to disguise his "fact checks" as pro-Obama, anti-McCain articles.

Socialist Asshats

2008-10-16T21:50:00.000-07:00

So this asshat seems to have a problem that I might buy a business that makes $250K a year. It's a British newspaper, so she might be a socialist to boot.

(Actually, she says some pretty nice things about me. "He's articulate, he's Midwestern, he's confident, he never sought out the spotlight but now that he's in it, he's performing quite well." Looking at her picture, she's hot. Hey Meg, email me. I'm in Toledo)

The problem I have is the headline that got me there. No, not "Courting Joe the Plumber." Up top, it reads "How many ordinary Joes earn over $250,000?" Well, Meg, let me tell you - a lot.

So according to Meg's profile, "Meg Kane is a graduate student and researcher blogging from St Louis, Missouri." That's nice. I'm glad she's getting an education and getting to do something she seems to like.

I just back from fixing a water main break. That's work. Let me tell you, a water main breaks, you need to call a plumber, not a graduate student of blogging.

You build a home, you don't need a blogger. You need a plumber, an electrician, a roofer, a carpenter and bunch of other skilled craftsmen. We build a lot of shit. Shit that people use. Shit that people need. People need plumbing. Without plumbing you get things like disease. Remember the plague? Without bloggers, what do we lose? Not fucking much.

So to build this shit, it costs money. I've got to buy pipes, welding equipment, a van. I need to rent an office. Do you rent an office, Meg? Oh, the school give you one? How nice. I have to get licensed (well not me specifically, but someone has to have one). I have to be bonded. You know, insurance. Do you have a license to blog Meg? Do you have insurance, in case your blog fucks up someone house? I don't think so.

Add it all up - $250K is nothing. If I'm lucky, I'll take home $50K salary when all is said and done. Not enough to buy the bass boat I've been eyeing for a while now. But I'm sure you get that fancy house as soon as you can afford it with your graduate degree in blogging.

An honest day's pay for an honest day's work. It seems like a bunch liberal elitist asshats feel that the only people qualified to make money are those who go to college and graduate school. Sorry folks, people who build this country deserve a decent life too.

Help Buying Business

2008-10-16T13:42:00.001-07:00

So, I'm watching TV last night and after hearing my name mentions like 500 times, John McCain says "Joe, I want to tell you, I'll not only help you buy that business blah blah blah taxes blah." To be honest, I didn't hear much after "help you buy that business"

I've been trying call John all day (except when the press keeps interrupting) to ask how's going to help me buy the business. I heard his wife is loaded (and pretty hot, wonder if she has a sister. or daughter). So I'm thinking that they might just buy the business for me, and pay the extra taxes after Obama get elected.

But, damn it all to hell, he won't return my voicemails. I even tried "special" number my cousin got from his father-in-law, Charlie. Charlie says back in the 80's John would always return his calls right away.

So John, if you're reading this, I think I'm going to need like $750K to buy this business, and pay the extra taxes that Obama is going to put on us. And I'll need a little extra for the taxes for your "gift".

Call me.

So What If I'm Not Licensed

2008-10-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

I didn't know that asshats lived in Ohio too.

So I don't have a fucking license. So fucking what? You think those Wall St. asshats had licenses to fuck the country up the ass? You think my mortgage broker had a license to sell me an ARM that resets after 180 days (which happens to be the point he got paid for selling me mortgage?)

Let me tell you, I fuck up the plumbing in your house, you still have a fucking house. Some banker fucks up, thousands of people don't have a house.

So the government is going to regulate my piddling $250K plumbing business, but doesn't regulate the TRILLION-FUCKING-DOLLAR derivatives market?

McCain 2008
That's between me and the button on Nov. 4th

Not related to Charles Keating

2008-10-16T11:43:00.001-07:00

So some liberal asshat thinks I'm related to Charles Keating.

Fat fucking chance.

If I was related to Charles Keating, do you think I'd be working as an unlicensed plumber in Ohio, making $40K a year. Meanwhile, the asshat at DailyKos makes millions (probably subsidized) writing bullshit stories.

Hey asshat! How about writing about ACORN and voter registration fraud! It's fraud because it doesn't help John McCain. My cousin's father-in-law Charlie told me so.